Scotsman Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman and they were flying in a plane. The Englishman dropped an apple, the Irishman dropped a banana peel, and the Scotsman dropped a grenade. Later, when they got off the plane, they saw a man crying so they went up to him and asked what was wrong and he said that while he was walking an apple landed on his head, so they walked on. Then they saw a man rubbing his butt, and they asked what was wrong and the man said that while he was walking he slipped on a banana peel so they walked on. Again they came up to a man but he was laughing so they asked what is so funny and he said I farted and my house blew up.

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.

"? 85 for an extraction, Sir" was the reply.

"Och, huv yer no got nothin' cheaper?" replies the Scotsman, getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction, Sir," said the dentist.

"What about if yer didna use any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well, it's highly unusual, Sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I could do it for? 70," said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of yer dental trainees and still without anaesthetic?" said the Scotsman.

"Well, it's possible, but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say? 40," said the dentist.

"Och, that's still a bit much. How about more...

There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman stranded on an island. They see a cave up ahead.
The Englishman goes in and sees some toast on a rock. He goes over to it but then a voice comes.
"Dont eat the toast," the voice shouts.
The Englishman runs out.
The Scotsman walks in and sees the toast as well, the voice comes back.
"Don't eat the toast." The Scotsman thinks it's his imagination but then he hears it again,
"Don't eat the toast," says the voice, the Scotsman runs out.
The Irishman wondering what's going on, goes inside. He hears the voice once, thinks nothing of it. He hears the voice again, still he ignores it. He picks up the toast and eats it. The voice shouts,
"I warned you once, I warned you twice, I wiped my arse upon the slice."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says,' 'I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.
' 'Just last week, she went out and spent $17, 000 on a new car,'' he laments,' 'and she doesn't even know how to drive!''
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.' 'Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it,'' he chuckles.' 'My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!''

There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman, who were going to be shot.
On the day of the executions, they take the Scotsman outside.
"Any last words?", they asked.
He yelled "Earthquake!" and whilst the firing squad were running about in a panic, he climbed the wall and got away.
The Englishman, seeing this, thought he'd try it, so when his turn came.
He shouted "Flood!", and similarly escaped in the ensuing confusion.
The Irishman thought this was a good plan, too so when they asked him for his last words, he yelled "Fire!"

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run.... run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."
The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"