Scratch Jokes / Recent Jokes
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
Why does a d dog scratch himself? He is the only one that knows where it itches.
your mommas so stupid she went to mcdonalds and asked for two scratch tickets
This American is on a business trip to Mexico and has the first day off. He decides he wants to ride a donkey, a traditional Mexican thing.
He asks this local man if he can rent a donkey for the day. The man says, "Gringo we call them asses here in Mexico. If you want him to stop though you need to scratch him." The American agrees and pays the Mexican man his money and rides away.
The man then decides that he wants something to eat so he rides to a hot dog stand. He asks the man if he can get a hot dog with mustard and relish. The man then replies "Sir, we call them weeners here." The American agrees and hands the man his money.
He then sees that his donkey is slowly walking away. So he asks another man standing by him who is also American if he would "hold his weener so he can scratch his ass"
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, more...
Q: Which day of the week do chickens hate most? A: Fry-day! Q: What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg? A: It eggs-plodes! Q: Why did the chick disappoint his mother? A: He wasn't what he was cracked up to be! Q: Is chicken soup good for your health? A: Not if you're the chicken! Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get to the other side! Q: What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy? A: "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!" Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again? A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser! Q: Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road? A: Because he didn't have enough guts! Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide!
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf, and about to tee off on the third hole lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch witth a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The wife asked "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes i am. In fact, I am so grateful i will grant you two wishes, and more...