Scratch Jokes / Recent Jokes

A city man decides that he has had enough of urban life and wants to start a farm. He doesn't have much money, though, so he goes to see an old farmer to get his start.
"I'd like to buy a chicken and a rooster," he says.
"Well, young feller," says the farmer, "I reckon that'd be okay. But out here in the country we call' em a pullet and a cock."
"Okay then," says the guy, "I'll take a pullet and a cock."
"Hey, what about a donkey?" says the city guy.
"Well sure," says the farmer,"but out here in the country we call them asses. All I got is an stubborn old mule out back. He stops alot and he'll only go again if you scratch' im."
"That's fine," says the guy. He pays the farmer and heads off down the road. A little while later, the mule stops in the middle of the road. No matter what the guy does, he won't go. Then he remembers to scratch it, but he can't put his more...

Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked the second, "What's your handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with such a strong player.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!

A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer`s head and kills him.
He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf`s and says, "Are you any good?"
The golfer looks at God and says, "I got here in two, didn`t I?"

5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in? and visa versa. 4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I? m in a bad mood) 2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

Why do women play with their hair at traffic lights? Because they don't have any balls to scratch. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the more...