Scratch Jokes / Recent Jokes

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head.
"Head on curb."

DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I more...

What a dog thinks:

My family loves me. They care for me and feed me. They scratch behind my ears and play my favorite games with me. They must be gods!


What a cat thinks:

My family loves me. They care for me and feed me. They scratch behind my ears and play my favorite games with me. I must be a god!

5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in? and visa versa. 4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad. 3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I? m in a bad mood) 2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is... 1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in? and visa versa.
4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.
3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I? m in a bad mood)
2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)
and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...
1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

This List Includes: * Things you can do with absolutely nothing * Things you can do with very little * Things you can do with another person The amusement potential for each activity is denoted. Things you can do with absolutely nothing * Push your eyes for interesting light show (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things-is your subconscience trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? * See how long you can hold your breath (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. My personal best is 2:00 (exactly). * Try to not think about polar bears (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you more...

A Patient Goes To A Doctor And Tells That He Has A Problem Of Itching. The Doctor Gives Him A Tonic. The Patient Asks If It Will Cure His Problem. The Doctor Says,'No I Gave It To You To Grow Your Nails, So, That You Can Scratch Easily. '