Screaming Jokes / Recent Jokes

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk.
He asks the bartender where's the bathroom at?
The bartender said, go down the hall and make a right.
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hear's this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."
The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out my balls."
With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket you asshole!!

Camping by the Colorado River, a woman was surprised to see a man rowing down the river screaming, "No! No! No!" Spotting another woman down the shore, she ran over. •
"Say," she said quickly, "shouldn't we do something to help that man? He seems to be in distress."
The other woman looked up, her expression placid. "Oh, he's my husband, and he's just fine."
"If he's fine, then why is he rowing down the river screaming' no'?"
The other woman smiled. "During the week he's a corporate' yes' man."

The Ten Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard on the opposite sexes genetalia
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one
3. Thou shall kiss at every given opportunity
4. If thou kissed someone, and was slapped, thou shalt not kiss her again.
5. Thou shall never bite when in the act of french kissing
6. Thou shall not pay for sexual intercourse
7. Thou shall not date members of state or Musicians
8. Thou shall not have sexual intercourse in public convieniences.
9. thou should never turn down free sexual intercourse
10. Procreate at will
Religions of the world
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, shit happens
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Buddhism: Shit happens, yet shit does not happen
Islam: Shit happens, is Allah wills
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
Protestantism: Let shit happen to other people
Catholicism: If shit more...

Santa Singh and Banta Singh were discussing how they would like to die.
Santa said, "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep. I don't want to die screaming like some of his friends, who also died at the same time."
Banta asked, "How did his friends die screaming while your grandfather died sleeping peacefully?"
Santa Singh replied, "His friends were the passengers in the car he was driving."

Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and trash on the floor.
Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.
Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town. .."
Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."
Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I. E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")
Wrap yourself in more...

A man and his pet chimp are drinking at the local bar and the drunk chimp goes berserk and runs screaming down the length of the bar, spilling drinks, slapping customers, eating peanuts by the handfull, then leaps onto the billiards table and eats the 8-ball.
Needless to say, the bartender bans the two from the bar until the man can properly train his chimp.
Two weeks later, the man and chimp return and after some drinks, the monkey again goes berserk and runs screaming down the length of the bar, slapping customers all the way.
Then he leaps over to the peanut bowl, delicately grabs a single peanut, dips it in his bung hole, then eats it. He repeats this peanut eating process a couple of times and the bartender, angry, asks the man what kind of "training" his monkey has had.
The man says "Hey, cut the little guy some slack. After that 8-ball incident, at least he measures his food now!"

Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and trash on the floor. Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town. .." Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips. Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year." Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I. E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.") Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the more...