Screams Jokes / Recent Jokes

This fat lady walks into a pet store and she see's a bird that she wants to buy. She goes to the manager and say's "I want this bird."
The manager say's that the bird had a bad owner before he was brought to us. She said that she will treat him well.
The first night with the bird she is feeding him and she accedentily lifts up his left leg and screams "HALLELUAH!" The next night she is feeding the bird she accedentily lifts up his right leg and the bird screams "PRAISE THE LORD!"
The lady found this quite interesting so she invited the priest over for dinner the next night. After a good meal the fat lady walks the priest over to the bird and lifts up his right leg and once again screams "HALLELUAH!" She lifts up his right leg and it screams "PRAISE THE LORD!"
The priest found this ver fascinating and said to the lady "I wonder what would happen if u lift both legs up?"
The bird replies with a simple more...

Once there was this guy, he was really horny all the time. So one day, he decided to go to a whore house, to buy a whore. He gets there and says "gimmi a whore" And the lady at the desk says " O.K., go down those stairs, take a left and it's the second door on the right." So the guy goes down the stairs, takes a left and goes into the room, second on the right.
So he's waiting there for about 5 minutes, when he sees a bowl of tomatoes on the table. So he picks one up and starts eating it.
The first whore walks in, sees him eating the tomatoe, screams and runs back up stairs. the guy continues eating the tomatoes.
Ten minutes the second whore comes in the room, sees him eating the tomatoes,screams, and runs back up stairs. The guy's like, what the hell? But he's too lazy to get up and see whats going on.
So ten minutes later the third whore walks in, sees him eating the tomatoes, and runs up stairs screaming. Now the guys really weirded out. So more...

Ben, a middle-aged Canadian tourist, visits the red light district of Oklahoma City and enters a large brothel. It's only his second time in Oklahoma. The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He then whispers something in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the Madam sends a more experienced lady over to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" and walks quickly away!
The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do!
Lola looks a little tired, but there's nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" more...

Nelson Mandela is at home watching the box, when there is a knock at his door. He gets up and answers it, there is a Chinese bloke with clipboard, behind him is a lorry full of exhaust pipes.
"You sign, you sign" yells the Chinese geezer. Nelson looks at the truck and tells the Chinese bloke that he has a got the wrong bloke.
Next day Nelson is watching a porno film when there is a knock on his door. It's the same Chinese bloke and behind him is truck full of brake parts.
"You Sign, You Sign" screams the Chinese bloke and pushes the clipboard under Nelson's nose.
"Look you Twat" snarls Nelson "You've got the wrong bloke. I don't want brake parts, you've got the wrong bloke now FUCK OFF".
Next day Nelson is sitting in the chair reading Penthouse, when there is a knock on the door. It's the Chinese bloke again, behind him are two trucks filled with engine parts. The Chinese bloke screams at Nelson "You sign, you more...

A bloke goes into a pub.
The barmaid asks what he wants.
'I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off,' he replies.
'You dirty bastard!' shouts the barmaid, 'Get out before I get my husband.'
The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again.
The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.
'I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off,' he replies.
'What???' screams the barmaid, 'That's it! You're barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, get out now.'
Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.
'Right. I'll give you one last chance,' says the barmaid. 'Now, what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.'
The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.
'What's up, love?' says the more...

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!"
"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!"
"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am Alec Maguire. I'm the goalkeeper for Ireland's national football [soccer] team. I've never missed a match in ten years and in all that time I have never let the ball into my net."
"What? Not once?" calls the woman.
"No!" shouts back the man. "Not once. Every football player in the world agrees that I more...