Screen Jokes / Recent Jokes

Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic discn thangs.
Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it more...

ALLEN GINSBURG VIRUS - Seemed to come from nowhere. Extremely virulent, yet ineffectual. Attempts to invade all file systems of worldwide media organizations at once. Generates copious, conflicting press reports via an advanced randomly-parsing syntax generator developed by California hackers. Frequently found to have infiltrated expensive Washington restaurants.
Anita Hill Virus - Lies dormant for ten years.
BARBARA BUSH VIRUS - One of the ugliest viruses we’ve seen in years, but
seems to have a nice disposition and does little damage.
Billy Graham Virus - When you save a file, it prints, “I am saved! ” to the screen.
Chicago Cubs Virus - Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it!
COLIN POWELL VIRUS - Makes its presence known, but doesn’t do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS v 1. 0 - Thers sumthin rong wit yur kompueter, butt ewe jsut cant figyour out watt.
Dan Quayle more...

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

The Technologically Challenged Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there'sstill hope: 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies. 5. A Dell more...

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then more...

During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear.A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir,"
the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's like instant messaging."Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article: 1.Compaq is considering changing thecommand "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood ofcalls asking where the "Any" key is. 2.AST technical support had a callercomplaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turnedout to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3.Another Compaq technician receiveda call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from hisold diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into thetypewriter to type the labels. 4.Another AST customer was asked tosend a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from thecustomer along with photocopies of the floppies. 5.A Dell technician more...