Screen Jokes / Recent Jokes

T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net, There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams.My wife on the sofa and me with a snack, We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).When out in the Web there arose such a clatter, I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.To a new page my Mac flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash! I gasped at the thought and started to grouse, Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.When what to my wondering eyes should appear, My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.When the image resolved, so bright and so quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick! More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came, Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac more...

- Redneck Driving Etiquette -
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
- Redneck Personal Hygiene -
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work.
A cigarette lighter and a small more...

Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:
Support: “Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you? ”
Customer: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect. ”
Support: “What sort of trouble? ”
Customer: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. ”,
Support: “Went away? ”
Customer: ”They disappeared. ”
Support: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? ”
Customer: “Nothing. ”
Support: “Nothing? ”
Customer: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type. ”
Support: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? ”
Customer: “How do I tell? ”
Support: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen? ”
Customer: “What’s a sea-prompt? ”
Support: “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? ”
Customer: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type. more...

Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.
It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern! ” guy.
In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.
It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.
The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.
Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet? ” The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck! ” The only chip inside is a Dorito. You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective!" Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa." Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker)

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I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink more...

Unleash the Power of Shift!
Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A: Nope, they’re the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean “up”, as in “look up at the screen”. Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?
A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author’s Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139. 95. Or you might not, it’s your computer, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A: more...

'Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?' 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

'What sort of trouble?' 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

'Went away?' 'They disappeared.'

'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?' 'Nothing.'

'Nothing?' 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?' 'How do I tell?'

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?' 'What's a sea-prompt?'

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] 'Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?' 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug?]

'Does your monitor have a power indicator?' 'What's a more...