Screen Jokes / Recent Jokes
Log on -- Make the wood stove hotter
Log off -- Don't add no more wood
Monitor -- Keep an eye on that wood stove
Download -- Getting the firewood off the truck
Floppy disk -- What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
Ram -- The thing that splits the firewood
Hard drive -- Getting home in the winter
Prompt -- What the mail ain't in the winter
Window -- What to shut when it's cold outside
Screen -- What to shut in black fly season
Byte -- What the black flies do
Bit -- What the black flies did
Mega Byte -- What the BIG black flies do chip Munchies for TV
Micro Chip -- What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
Modem -- What you did to the hay fields
Dot matrix -- Old Dan Matrix's wife
Lap top -- Where the kitty sleeps
Software -- The dumb plastic knives & forks they give you at McDonalds
Hardware -- The real stainless steel cutlery.
Mouse -- What eats grain in the barn
Main more...
"Good Afternnoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words wentaway." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does ithave a little light that tells you when it's more...
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics". The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?" The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!" The only chip inside is a Dorito. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
You might be a redneck if...
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Net News - The Vatican has no gone on line with its own interactive website. The site is said to offer meany great new features including a downloadable picture of Jesus Christ which will bounce around your screen after a preset length of time. It has been christened the' screen saviour'........
In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food. Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food. 2. I will not jump on the [xxx]. kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5: 30 A. M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night. 3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx]. sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires. 4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx]. floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen more...
COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS: As depicted in movies, Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. All monitors display inch-high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress"). All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the more...