Screw Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.

Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they?

Q: How many hunters does it take to screw a lightbulb into a left-handed socket?
A: There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they could screw right they would not be hunters.

Q: How many hunt sabs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off the carpet and the chair he was standing on.

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-one to do it and five to smash more...

1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. . . . . men will screw anything.
3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
5. What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He’s breathing.
7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
8. What do men and beer bottles have in common.
They are both empty from the neck up.
9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows.. . . . . It’s never been done.
11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are more...

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Will somebody please call house-keeping?

Q: How many house-keeping staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You know I only get paid $5 an hour to do this, and I don't know why I always have to do everybody else's work anyway.

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.

Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why don't you just let us take out the socket? You aren't using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.

Q: How many more...

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.
"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she more...

Dear IRS:
Enclosed are my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Enclosed please find four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above-mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw?" (See attached article: HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."
Sincerely,
I. Getscrewed Everyear

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she is familiar with.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the problem to the previous question.

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since statisticians are not normal.

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.

Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One more...

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "Oh, no." The woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear." "That's what I want!" Exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" The doctor asks. "Terrible!" The lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" Asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" She hollers. "Lady," the doctor retorts, more...