Seat Jokes / Recent Jokes
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a Safe Driver Award. Congratulations, what do you think you're going to do with the prize money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselvesstanding before the pearly gates of Heaven, where StPeter and the Devil were standing nearby." Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact thatHeaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed tolimit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone ofyou can ask me a question which I don't know or cannotanswer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the mostcomprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snapof his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct." Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, thephilsopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicatedformula you more...
There was an American on a buisness trip in England. He got on a train, and was unable to find a seat. The man walked up and down the different cars until he discovered that an old lady's tiny dog was taking up a whole seat.So he said to the lady, "Hey, you think you could move your dog? I can't find a seat."Now this wasn't a nice lady, so she replied, "You rude American! My little poodles needs somewhere to be!"So the man walked up and down the cars again, looking for somewhere to sit. He came back to the lady and the dog. "Look lady, I need somewhere to sit. Can you please put your dog on your lap?"Of course, the woman's reply was about the same as the first one, "You again?! Go away you rude man, don't bother my poodles!"So for the last time the man searched for a seat as the train started. He came back to the woman angrily, "Move your mutt lady!" The woman went into a fit of frustration, scolding the man like a child.Finally he'd more...
While his wife was away, a man decided to paint the toilet. Arriving home sooner than expected, his wife used the toilet and got the seat stuck to her rear end.
Totally distraught about what happened, she asked him to take her to the doctor. To avoid embarrassment, before leaving she put on a large overcoat to cover the seat.
When they arrived at the doctor's office, the husband lifted the overcoat so the doctor could see the predicament his wife was in.
"Doctor," the husband asked, "have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Yes," replied the doctor, "never framed though!"
The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.
"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"
All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".
"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".
Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".
This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.
The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.
Johnny more...