Seat Jokes / Recent Jokes

Elle, Helena and Naomi were on their first plane flight together. In the middle of the flight, the pilot warns them of severe storms and the worst weather conditions and the possibility that the plane may crash. The girls were all anxious and thought their plane may crash.

They all rush to put their seat belts on and Elle is busy unbuttoning her blouse and showing her cleavage. Helena and Naomi look at her surprised and ask her what she is doing. Elle said, "Well, if the plane crashes and we go down, when the rescuers come, they will notice my lovely breasts and rescue me first."

Helena then gets out her compact and starts putting on her make up and brushes her hair. Elle and Naomi ask her what she's doing and say its a waste of time, especially since they are going to crash. Helena then said, "Well, when the plane crashes, we go down and the rescuers arrive, they will notice I am the most beautiful girl and they will rescue me more...

I found the following bit of humor in the March 1995 "Reader's Digest". Do any of you have laws you'd like to add to the list?
THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW
By Richard Johnson
It seems that we have laws for everything but the stuff that can really get on our nerves. For instance, "there oughta be a law" to protect citizens from the airline passenger who maintains his seat in a fully reclined position while an in-flight meal is being served. So I propose that we start passing some much-needed legislation to crack down on the following offenses:
RESISTING A REST: Repeatedly disrupting an entire row of patrons at a theater or sports event by heading for refreshments, frequent rest-room visits and leg-stretching.
EUPHONIOUS ASSAULT: Playing the car radio at ear-splitting volume so the next driver is blasted into the back seat.
LANE SHARKING: Parking over two spaces in a crowded lot so that the adjacent space is rendered useless.
COFFEE-RIGHT more...

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson."I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple"."Very good", said the teacher, "now B".Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.Johnny stands up and says: "R...Rat...a more...

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets
up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up
the customs of a patriarchial society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his
seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again
and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two
miles past my stop already."

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear.

She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.

The man asked,' 'Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?'''

'Well, yes.'' the doctor replied.' 'But never framed.''

A pregnant lady was travelling on a bus. The man opposite her stared and laughed at her.
The embarassed lady moved herself to the next seat. Then the man burst with laughter.
She went to Court and sued him for damages.
In his defense, the man told the Judge, "My Lord! If you were in my place, you would have done the same thing."
The judge, for the sake of the case, got on the bus, at the same stop, and the scene was reinacted.
The Judge could not control his laughter and dismissed the case.
The advertisement display board above the first seat for a shaving stick soap Company read, "Williams stick did the trick."
The advertisement display board above the second seat for Dunlop Tyre Company read, "Rubber Goods would have saved the trouble."

Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together more...