Seated Jokes / Recent Jokes
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates.
The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates would get the job. The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I more...
Once upon a time, there lived a women who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but, unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, she putt-putted. And, upon more...
A 400 pound man, drops from the school, gets himself an airplane ticket and boards the plane. He
seats himself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles himself in for the
trip, snoring soundly as curious passengers seated around watch him.
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the man, wakes him up and says,' Sir, I'm sorry, but I
see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class I'm afraid you'll have to move."
The man replies, "I'm 400 pounds, and I'm a wrestler, and I'm going to New York to play professional
wrestling".
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant
approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I'm sorry, Sir, but since your ticket is for coach you'll
have to move back." The man replies angrily, "I'm 400 pounds, and I'm a wrestler, and I'm going to
New York to play professional wrestling" and more...
As the midwinter flight completes is descent into Tel Aviv, the flight crew announces, "Ladies and Gentelmen, we ask that you remain seated until the plane has come to a complete stop, and the pilot turns off the seatbelt sign.
And to those of you who are still seated, Merry Christmas."
Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers 1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. 2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. 3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. 4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. 5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. 6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. 7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. 8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you. 9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you. 10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring more...
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated sideby side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendlyand all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know betterthan to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and thenreplied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."