Security Jokes / Recent Jokes

The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you... A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid. B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources. C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do? A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you. B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him. C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should more...

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?" Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind." "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pulldown your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked. I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He looked at me very carefully and asked, "Does she like you?"

The company president called the chief security guard into his office.
"Chuck, we've received a complaint from one of the employees that you are
making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don't
belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop."
Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Sir. I won't' do it again."
The company president said, "I'm sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that."
Chuck's face lit up. "Ms Jones? I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was
complaining!"

The company president called the chief security guard into his office. "Chuck, we've received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don'tbelong. These unwanted advances will have to stop." Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Sir. I won't' do it again." The company president said, "I'm sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that." Chuck's face lit up. "Ms Jones?!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!"

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross.".? Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not more...