Security Jokes / Recent Jokes

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security benefits. After waiting in line a long time, he finally arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.' Will I have to go home and come back now?' he asks. The woman says,' Unbutton your shirt.' So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says,' That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. His wife says,' You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.'

The following journal entry has been "borrowed" from a federal employee, whose name and occupation have been withheld for his or her protection.Dear Diary,Today was the same as any other day. I got to work 5 hours early in order to find parking in the Menial Federal Employee Parking Lot. It's mandatory that all employees park in the lot, although there are only 10 spots for 400 employees, but there is ample street parking.Then there is the Supervisor Lot, which has 50 spots for 2 supervisors. Our cars will be immediately towed if we park in the Supervisor Lot. Actually, one of the two supervisors does nothing but make sure that nobody else parks in the Supervisor Lot. He's currently making a six-figure salary.At the door, I had to show my building card to the security guard. He started telling me about his wife's problems. I told him I need to get to work, and he reminded me of the clause in my contract that stated that I have to listen to every story he wants to tell me.Six more...

The September 11 Commission said in its report, "For terrorists, travel documents are as important as weapons." Terrorists replied, "But if we had to pick, we'd choose weapons."
The Homeland Security Department estimates that about one in four Americans has a passport. Some people have balked at the $97 price tag. Yet one in four Americans owns a large-screen TV, on which they can see pictures of terrorists and curse them out for making the world unsafe before flipping to the Food Network.

A man came home from the Social Security Office. "Honey," he said to his wife, "I finally convinced them that I'm old enough to collect Social Security."
"How?" his wife asked. "Since the department of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you can't get a copy of your birth certificate."
"I know," the man replied, "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that I'm old enough."
His wife retorted, "Then while you were at it, why didn't you whip out your pecker and get disability, too?!"

Kathy and Suzy are having a conversation during their lunch break.

Kathy asks, "So, Suzy, how's your sex life these days?"

Suzy replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."

"Social Security?" Kathy asked quizzically.

"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Security Guard When Caught Stealing Coins From A Mall Fountain
& & 1. "Isn`t there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?"
& & 2. I`m searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel."
& & 3. "DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!"
& & 4. "Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?"
& & 5. "Thanks idiot... I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!"
& & 6. "Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down a spiral ramp!"
& & 7. "I`m at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter."
& & 8. "I`m trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife wannabe!"
& & 9. "See.. I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous sponsor and that`s why I`m more...

The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you... A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid. B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources. C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do? A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you. B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him. C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should more...