Seeking Jokes / Recent Jokes

Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.
THE NAME - Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith - now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
THE ADDRESS - Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
THE PHONE NUMBER - Skip it. What are the odds they'll call - 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or more...

Actual personal ads from actual newspapers all across America as collected by Kathy Hinckley in "Plain Fat Chick Seeks Guy Who Likes Broccoli".
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.
SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.
Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5'10"; over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.
MEN SEEKING WOMEN
Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment more...

When seeking admission to the celestial abode, the care taker angel gave me a piece of chalk directing me to mark a cross upon each step of the ladder for each sin committed. I was consciously complying accordingly, ascending. I accosted a beautiful vivacious lady, elegantly attried, descending and asked, "Why, have you not been accorded admission?" She merely replied, "The chalk is finished.

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are splitting up again. It’s reported that Denise is seeking full legal custody of both kids, while Charlie is seeking filthy whores.

Here is a table of terms used by headhunters and orher people who are hiring new folks:
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITIONYou'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANYYou'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANYWe want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
PROFIT-SHARING PLANOnce it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARYWe remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANYWe have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADERInc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENINGThe person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTERWe're not going to supply you with more...