Selfish Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lawyer parked at the side of the road, and opened the door of his BMW. Suddenly, a speeding car appeared from nowhere, hitting the door and ripping it off of his car. The lawyer was outraged.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer whined, "Officer, look what that person did to my Beemer! You have to find him and arrest him!"
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick," the officer snapped. "You're so upset about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off in the accident."
"Oh my God....", gasped the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody stump where his arm had been. "My Rolex!"

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.
"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.
"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.
They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

At two in the morning, the phone rang at the governor's mansion. An aide found himself talking to a local attorney, who insisted that he must speak to the governor immediately.
Despite pleas to postpone his call until morning, the attorney insisted that the call was over a matter of utmost urgency, and that he could not wait. Eventually, the aide reluctantly decided to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Cassidy just died," announced the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The Governor shot back, "It's okay with me if it's okay with the undertaker."

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.

As Oklahoma was settled, the growing population supported a small community of lawyers. One lawyer became quite successful, handling disputes between ranchers and farmers. He sent his son away for college, and was pleased when his son returned after graduation, seeking to work in his office to figure out if he wanted to be a lawyer. The lawyer welcomed his son into the firm, and gave him a job as a clerk.
On his son's first day, the first client to call on the lawyer was a man, deeply tanned from years of toil under the Oklahoma sun. His hand were rough and calloused, and he was dressed for the range. The man explained, "I am a ranch hand at the Smith Ranch, where I have worked since I was very young. For all of those years, I have tended to all of the animals on the ranch, including a small herd of cows. I raised the cows, fed them, and cared for them. It has always been my understanding that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Smith died, and his son has inherited the ranch. more...