Selling Jokes / Recent Jokes
"We've got a problem, HAL."
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales plan."
"That can't be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling."
"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HAL's selling?"
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence. "Compatible in what way, Dave?"
"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
"The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."
"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on."
"The more...
A blonde was sitting on her porch, when a man approached her with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"Can I help you?" asked the blonde. "Are you selling something?
"No, I'm not selling anything," replied the man. "I'm a Census Taker."
"You're a what?" the puzzled blonde asked.
"A Census Taker. We're trying to find out how many people are in the United States," explained the man.
"Well, you're wasting your time here," the blonde replied. "I have no idea!"
Johnny's parents were out of town once and so they asked that young female teacher to stay for that time in their house.
Before going to bed Johnny says to her "Oh, please, I'm so afraid to be by myself, please, sleep in my bed."
She agrees, they go to bed.
In the morning she wakes up to find a big hairy-chested man in her bed.
She exclaims: "Johnny? Where is Johnny?!!!"
"Johnny? Who is Johnny? Is that the little boy selling the tickets?"
Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?" The agent said, "Certainly ye have... Why d'ye ask?" Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."
Morris the agent of a beautiful actress discovered one day that the actress had been selling her body for 100 dollars a night.
The agent, who had long lusted after her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable.
He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay her the same 100 dollars that the other customers did.
He scratched his head, considered it, and then Morris asked, "Don't I even get my agent's 10% as a deduction?"
"No, siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it just like the other Johns."
Morris the agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.
That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local nightclub. The agent made love to her at midnight, after turning out all the more...
A group of Asian women were visiting a village located in South Africa. They came across a booth selling human breast. One of the Asian lady asked the butcher, "Why are you selling women's breast?" The butcher replied, "In Ouagadougou, we have found that consuming women's breast can increase men's sex drive, and enlarge the size of their penis." Hearing about the "enlarging the penis" the Asian woman was determined to buy some for her husband. She quickly asks the butcher for the price of the breast. "Well," says the butcher, "It depends on what kind of breast you want. We have black breast, white breast, and Asian breast." "Give me the price of each!", said the Asian lady impatiently. "The black breasts are $200 a pound," the butcher says. "White breasts are $300 a pound, and the Asian breasts are $400 a pound." The Asian women were glad to hear that Asian breasts were the most expensive in the breast more...
Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes
REDMOND, WA - In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.
With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.
"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek more...