Service Jokes / Recent Jokes
By the time the morning service was to begin, only one man was in the church.
The priest said to him, "It looks like everyone has slept in. Do you want to go home or should I preach the sermon?"
The man replied, "When I go to feed the chickens and only one comes, I still feed it."
The priest took that as a yes, mounted the pulpit and delivered an hour-long sermon.
At the end, he asked the man what he thought.
His answer: "When I go to feed the chickens and only one comes, I don't give it the whole bucket!"
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance. .. she leaned over and pushed me.
A field engineer, a service assistant, and a manager are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the field engineer.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless."
Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the service assistant. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those guys back in the office after lunch."
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"
"$7. 98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7. 98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, looking at a large plaque that hung there. After the young man of seven had stood there for some time, the pastor walked up beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Can I ask you, Sir, why are all these names listed on here?"
"Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
Ever since Lutherans stopped discriminating against gays in the church, things are a little different.
Recently, the Lutheran church service was under way and they pasted the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stop the service and asked whom ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate to "please stand up".
A gay man stood up and announced that the donation was his. The preacher told him, "Since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns." Excitedly, the gay guy looked around and started pointing, saying, "I'll take him, him, and him."
A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was no where in site, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank."