Set Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done." Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ." The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would more...
You've been in graphics too long if... by Chris ThornborrowMost of your friends can pronounce Gouraud first time. When you fist heard that some people used 16 million colours you wondered whatever for and continued to write colour-map tables for correct highlights on objects. You remember comp. graphics when there weren't enough articles for you to read, none of them included the word PC and nobody ever asked the difference between raytracing and rendering. You insist that DOOM does not use raycasting. (Technically, as it was first introduced, and anyway, who plays games at your age?) Your partner knows the difference between scientific visualisation and photorealistic rendering, even though they wouldn't know a polygon from a camel. You think an SGI Indy is OK for a quick hack but not a real graphics machine. You remember discussing how one day there would be graphics hardware to support rendering in desktop machines and people laughed. You watched the Last Starfighter in an empty more...
Top Ten changes at NASA to accommodate 76-yr-old John Glenn's return to space:
10) All important devices now operated by the Clapper
9) Shuttle's thermostat now set at 80 degrees
8) The cargo bay now converted into a shuffle board court
7) Amplifier now installed in the headphones
6) Metamucil now served instead of Tang
5) Little bowls of candy scattered around the ship
4) Top speed of shuttle now set at 25 MPH
3) Installed new bifocal windshield
2) Space pants now go up to the armpits
1) Left blinker left on for the entire mission.
48 Phrases you wish you could say at work!
1. Ahhh... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will more...
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her.
8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.
9. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the "real" world is at your fingertips.
10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
11. When you have sex, more...
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been! ”
I told her, “How about the kitchen? ”
“We always hold hands; because when I let go, She shops. ”
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.
BUT, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free, you either married it, or gave birth to it.
A Successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling. But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married more...
I'm a very law-abiding person. The law says that at 2: 00 AM on Sunday, September 31, we must set our clocks back an hour.
I set my alarm clock to 2: 00. When it went off, I got up and set all my clocks back an hour. Then I went back to sleep.
It seemed like just a short time, when the alarm woke me up. It was 2: 00. I got up and set all my clocks back an hour.
Then I went back to sleep. The alarm woke me up. It was 2: 00. I got up and set all my clocks back an hour. Then I went back to sleep.
The alarm woke me up.
Help!!!!