Shake Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said,' My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.' The second old fogey one-upped him and said,' My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.' The third old man laughed and said,' That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!'

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but
he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him- he's done this many times before. His cool
smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and more...

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more. 3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake 4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech. 5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV. 6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions more...

It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid, and you shake your head bravely and mumble no.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him- he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are more...

It's your first time.As you lie back your muscles tighten.You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.He asks if you're afraid, and you shake your head bravely and mumble no. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him- he's done this many times before.His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel slight trickle of blood as he continues.He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him more...

Al and Don were standing at the urinals in a public bathroom, when Al looked over and noticed that Don's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Al said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"What do you mean?" Don asked. "Like what?"
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Al said.
"Well, what is yours like?" asked Don.
"It's straight, like normal," Al replied.
"Geez, I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Don said.
Al finished what he was doing and started to give his member a shake before putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" asked Don.
"To shake off the excess drops," explained Al. "Like normal."
"Shit!" exclaimed Don. "All these years I've been wringing it!"

FARMER'S MULE
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately
demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be
friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly,
non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every
opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life
unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through
the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law
in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days
later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked
by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the
farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked
by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and
mumble a reply. Very curious as more...