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The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received more...

A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

Ladies... read and heed!

SportsCenter starts at 11: 00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship." We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. No, you can't have the remote control.

Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your more...

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't. You are not Superman Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready + when you're not. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. There is more...

A liberal came upon a genie and said You are a genie. Can you grant me three wishes? The genie replied Yes but only if you are feeling generous enough to share your good fortune. The liberal said I am a liberal. I am always happy to share. The genie said O. K. then whatever you wish for I will give every conservative in the country two of it. What is your first wish? I would like a new sports car. O. K. you have got it and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. Whats your second wish? I would like a million dollars. O. K. you get a million dollars every conservative gets two million dollars. Whats your third and final wish? Well I have always wanted to donate a kidney.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down. 2. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. 3. Don’t make us guess. 4. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 5. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it. 6. He’s never thinking about “The Relationship. ” 7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat. 8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. 9. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 10. Shopping is not everybody’s idea of a good time. 11. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 12. You have enough clothes. 13. You have too many shoes. 14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it. 15. Your brother is an idiot. 16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work. 17. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries. 18. Share the bathroom. 19. Share the closet. 20. Yes and No are more...

Two Congress party leaders were taking a walk in a park when they saw a hundred rupee note on the ground. Both grabbed it and began quarrelling over who should keep it.
'Let's stop arguing,' suggested one,' and put it in the party fund.'
The other paused and replied,' There is no point in making it do the usual rounds. Let's go fifty-fifty right now.'