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Some lessons learned in life:
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.
No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the more...
A 4th grade class was asked to get their parent to tell them a story with a moral. When they came back to school the next day, Ms. Jones asked them to share their stories. Little Mary was first."My mommy told me a story about farming. We own a farm where we raise chickens, and one time, we had three dozen eggs in a basket, and we put that basket in the truck, and we drove to the market. On the way, we went over a big bump, and all the eggs cracked and made a big mess.""And what was the moral?" Ms. Jones asked."Never put all your eggs in one basket." Mary chimed."Good. Now, Mark, what was your story?" Ms. Jones asked."My daddy told me a story about chicken farming too. One time, we got eight eggs from one chicken, but only seven off them hatched. The moral of my story is don't count your chickens before they hatch.""Good. Johnny, would you like to share your story?""My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Rose. She was a more...
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am more...
Season's Greetings,
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable more...
1. I would like to have the heart of a small child. I would keep it in a jar on my desk.
2. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
3. Who can I blame for my problems? Give me a minute; I'll find someone.
4. A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
5. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than, "I told you so."
6. Today I will disregard all negative messages like STOP or YIELD or WRONG WAY/DO NOT ENTER.
7. Today I will treat myself as I would my best friend - with sarcasm and neglect.
8. Coming out of your shell is dangerous. Ask any clam.
9. I honor my inner warrior. Otherwise he will hurt me. Badly.
10. There is nothing wrong with me. Really.
11. Joan of Arc heard voices too.
12. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
13. If God lives within me, shouldn't I avoid using more...
A RABBI AND A PRIEST GET TO A HOTEL AT THE SAME TIME.THERE IS ONLY ONE ROOM AVAILABLE SO THEY DECIDE TO SHARE THE ROOM .THE RABBI CHOOSES A BED, SAYS KRYIAT SHEMAH AND GOES TO SLEEP.THE PRIEST SAYS I SLEEP WITH JOHN AND MARY AND ALL THE SAINTS AND GOES TO SLEEP.IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT THE PRIEST FALLS OFF HIS BED.THE NEXT MORNING THE PRIEST ASKS THE RABBI HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT BED TO PICK? THE RABBI ANSWERS THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR BED MY FRIEND, YOU JUST SLEEPING WITH TOO MANY PEOPLE.
Don't ya just love the holidays, when everyone is just so full of the spirit of the season and joy and good will towards men? As a plain old country boy now living in the big city, I wanted to share the warmth and joy I felt with all these nice city folk.
The other day I went to the local religious book store, to locate something to share with others, and while I couldn't find any with a Christmas theme, I saw a "Honk if You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car; tell y'all what, I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the upcoming Holidays and all, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I easily found several people who loved Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because, he leaned out his window and even yelled, "Jesus more...