Ship Jokes / Recent Jokes
The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote: "The first mate was drunk today."
He begged and plead the captain to remove that entry, but the captain argued that once an entry was made in the ship's log it couldn't be deleted. Being unable to get clean, the first mate decided to get even.
The next time it was the first mate's turn to write the log, he wrote: "The captain was sober today."
Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out
of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.
Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they
claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the
trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within
minutes.
They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a
Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken
off for home.
Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a
now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves,
they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea more...
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to Heaven.
St. Peter was having a
bad day since heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven and each will have to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with almost all of its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?". And St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven didn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, uncharitably decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed. "1228".
"That happens to be correct, go ahead."
St. Peter turned to the Lawyer: "Name them."
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren`t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don`t fing, grocers don`t groce, and hammers don`t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn`t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn`t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park more...
British Military Officer Fitness Reports
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of more...
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
The following is supposedly a true story relating to a United States shipping company.
THE U. S. shipping company had a new ship built. It was to be the pride of the fleet, and something special was wanted to decorate the captain's saloon, a large living room/office where the vessel's business and entertaining would take place.
Someone suggested that a set of nautical prints would lend a nice touch. He knew of a shop in London that specialized in such things, and the prints were ordered and hung in the saloon.
It was not until the trial run of the vessel, when both the builder's and the owner's representatives were aboard, that someone looked closely at the prints. Each was of an American ship being captured by, or surrendering to, a British warship during the War of 1812.