Shopping Jokes / Recent Jokes

A couple realise they are spending too much and decide to go through the bills together. "Look at this", demands the wife, "£30 on Beer".
Husband replies, "Well, what about this? £40 on make up?"
The wife looks at him with a smile and says, "Darling I have to have the make up so I can look young and attractive for you."
The husband shouts back, "That's what the fucking beer was for!"

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."
The girl then asks, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."
The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Her mommy is very more...

If you're easily offended (I mean VERY easily), don't read this.
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WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE... By Matt Groening (Creator of The Simpsons and Life in Hell)
Deep Thoughts about Gender Differences
SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter more...

A father and son went grocery shopping, and down practically every aisle, the kid wanted something.
"Dad, can I get some Lucky Charms?"
"Sure, if you can touch your dick to your ass."
"I can't"
"Then I guess you don't get any Lucky Charms."
Later on
"Dad, can I get some Mountain Dew?"
"Can you touch your dick to your ass?"
"No"
"Then no Mountain Dew"
At the checkout, the dad feeling really sorry for his son, bought his son a lottery ticket.
They walked out to the car and the kid immediately scratched off the ticket, and screamed.
"Dad, I won, I won ten thousand dollars."
"Great, son, are you going to give some of the money to your mother and me?"
"I don't know, can you touch your dick to your ass?"
"Yes, I can son, I'm older"
"Good; go fuck yourself."

In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."