Shotgun Jokes / Recent Jokes
For those of you who were unable to attend the awards dinner during the annual [American Academy of Forensic Sciences] meeting in San Diego, you missed a tall tale on complex forensics presented by AAFS President Don Harper Mills in his opening remarks. The following is a recount of Dr. Mills' story.
On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by a shotgun. Investigation to that point had revealed that the decedent had jumped from the top of a ten story building with the intent to commit suicide. (He left a note indicating his despondency.)
As he passed the 9th floor on the way down, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, killing him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the 8th floor level to protect some window washers, and that the decedent would not have been able to complete his intent to more...
A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree.
He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a
stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun.
"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree
and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The
trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when
the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself,
you slap on the handcuffs."
"Got it," the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the
Chihuahua."
A hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: "Here friend, take a drink outa my jug."
The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!"
The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed.
"Gad! that's awful stuff you've got there."
"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."
A hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: "Here friend, take a drink outa my jug."
The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!"
The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed.
"Gad! that's awful stuff you've got there."
"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."
"Your Honor," the young man said, "I would like to get married."
"All right, young man, how old are you?"
"I'm 23, sir," the young man replied.
"And the age of the bride?"
"She's 15, sir," he answered.
"What? 15??? That's far too young! Marrying her would be against the law!"
"Sir, would you mind explaining that to her daddy standing over there with the shotgun?!?" exclaimed the young man.
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might more...
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm more...