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The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well.
The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.
A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale". The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts.
She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, more...

What's the difference between Love, True Love and showing off? Spit, swallow and gargle.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spit, swallow and gargle

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch," the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM!"

Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?
a. Welcome home, I missed you.
b. The phone rang twice while you were out.
c. Feed me, *NOW*.
d. So, I see you didn't bring me the mate I asked for. Your pillow is history.
Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?
a. Please don't leave me here all alone.
b. Have a nice day.
c. But what if I get hungry while you out?
d. Kiss that new vase goodbye.
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?
a. A sign of affection.
b. A demand to be fed now.
c. Have YOU had YOUR shots?
d. An attempt to 'fix' you like you 'fixed' him.
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?
a. Lemme out - I need to fertilize the garden.
b. Wanna go out and play?
c. Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
d. Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?
When your cat stares at you, it means:
a. It is bored silly.
b. It's more...

TOP TEN RESONS TO BE A NEW ZEALANDER
1 RUGBY
2 YOU PLAY RUGBY AND HAVE YOUR HEAD BETWEEN TO OTHER PLAYERS ARSES AND STILL THINK YOU ARE NOT GAY
3 STILL PLAYING RUGBY KEEP LIFTING PLAYER FROM CRUTCH OF THERE LEGS WITH YOUR HANDS AND STILL THINK THAT YOU ARE NOT GAY
4 IF YOU ARE THE INDIGENOUS NATIVE YOU CAN WELCOM VISITOR'S BY SHOWING YOUR ARSE TO THEM
5 AFTER SHOWING YOUR ARSE YOU CAN RUB YOUR RUNNY NOSE ON THER NOSE.
6 YOU CAN BE THE WOMEN PRIME MINISTER AND STILL ONLY WEAR MALE PANTS TO EVERY PLACE YOU GO.
7 CAN BE THE SHEEP SHEARING CHAMPION OF THE WORLD
8 CAN BE THE GUM BOOT THROWING CHAMPION OF THE WORLD
9 THINK THREE COURSE MEAL IS BREAD BUTTER AND JAM
10 IF YOU CAN BE RELATED TO THE INDIGENOUS PEOPLE OF THE COUNTRY WITH GOVERNEMENT ASSISTENCE YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORK EVER.

ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.

ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end.

CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend.

CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.

COOKIE - A virgin doughnut.

DANCE - A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen.

DIVORCE - What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer.

DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.

DIARY - Book of revelations.

DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped.

ENEMA - A goose with a gush.

EXPLORATION - Beating more...