Sick Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him arepeeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing outthe other fans.The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where hisgrotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the manin the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. Ifit disturbs you, I will move.""It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits.Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowingme to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has causedyou to get more...

To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.

CHORUS
Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
just as he arrived on Christmas Day
She had gotten sick and tired of hearin'
that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.
She'd been listening to the radio
and she nearly lost her breath
yellin' cuss words at the DJ
for playin' that song where she gets hooved to death.
So she set out on the warpath
there was evil in her eye
she said "I'm gonna find that reindeer
and by golly, one of us is gonna die!"
CHORUS
Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
just as he arrived on Christmas Day
She had gotten sick and tired of hearin'
that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.
Santa Claus had made a landing
on the new expressway
Grandma was doin' 120
with her headlights pointed straight at Santa's sleigh.
'Twas an awful sound of impact
Grandma really nailed him good
There were hoofprints on her windshield
and a pair of ripped-off antlers on her more...

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.

After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," the little guy says brightly, more...

Good, Bad, Ugly....
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your more...

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Damn!"
Bad Skydiver: "Damn!!" "Whack!!"

Food quotes, quips, and thoughts..."Artichokes... are just plain annoying... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." - Miss Piggy"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." -Sam Levinson"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." - Gracie Allen"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." - Erma Bombeck"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." - Joe E. Lewis"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead." - more...