Sick Jokes / Recent Jokes
To All Employees,
The following company policies are effective immediately:-
HOLIDAYS: Each employee is entitled to 104 holidays. These will be called Saturday and Sunday.
SICK DAYS: A doctor's sick note will no longer be accepted as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY: Operations are banned. As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. Do not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives and friends. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your day's tasks are more...
Mummy and Daddy are in the bath with their children, a little boy and a little girl (perverted family I know!!) when the little girl points to her mother's lower regions and says' Mummy, what is that down there?', to which her mother replies' That is my multi-story car park, you have a garage'. Satisfied the little girl continues playing with her ducks.
A little while later the little boy looks at his father and says' Daddy, what is that bobbing about in the water?' to which his father replies' That is my Rolls Royce, you have a Mini'. Satisfied the little boy carries on splashing his sister. The adults get out and go down stairs.
Five minutes later they here this terrible screaming coming from the bath room. When they get there, the little boy is screaming his head off and there is blood everywhere.
The mum looks at her daughter and asks what happened to which the little girl calmly replies,' he tried to put his mini in my garage so I ripped his back more...
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. I
One day a preacher decided to pay a visit to his grandmother who was very ill. When he got there, they began to talk. The preacher then noticed that there was a bowl of peanuts on the bed side table. When the visit was over the preacher realized that he had eaten the whole bowl of peanuts. Feeling guilty he apologized.
"Gee grandma, I'm so sorry. The peanuts were really good and I couldn't resist." The grandmother smiled and tells him, " It's ok, don't worry about it. With my false teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off the M&Ms anyway."
Once upon a time, there was a mouse family that lived in a bathroom. One day, the youngest mouse went out to get some cheese. His mother and father decided to stay in the bathroom.
The mouse returned almost an hour later. His parents asked him what took so long. The mouse said, "Well first, I accidentaly fell into a lake. Then there was rain followed by thunder. I would have died if it hadn't been for a brown log that was floating around!"
An Irish man walks into a church and goes to confess his sins
Bloke "father father i fucked a cat"
Father "a terrible sin this weeks penance is 20 whips around the back"
That night the vicar was thinking how he did it and thought he will give it a go so he picked up his cat turned him round and was just about to start when the cat turned and clawed his bollocks blood was coming out everywhere
Next week the same bloke came in bloke " father father i fucked a cat again"
Father " how did you do it" bloke " i put the cat in a box wrap cotton wool around him and cut a hole at the bottom of the box then i am ready"
The father turned round and said" your penance this week is to fuck the cat without the box"