Sick Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy rings work and says "I can't come in to work today as I'm sick"The voice at the other end asks "How sick are you ??"The guy says "Well I'm in bed with my 12 year old son !!"

What is the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Putting them back in their wheelchair when your done.

A Guy rings work to say he wont be in today because hes sick....Boss says, oh how sick are you?
Guy replies ..well im at home Fucking my sister, thats Damn sick...

This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey."

The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."

"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart dixie!"

The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.

The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not shit all over my stage!"

The guy replies, "Hey! Even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!"

This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom.

"Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the bartender.

"Sure.", says the bartender.

As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the cue-ball.

"What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed.

When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says.

"Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my cue-ball."

"Oh god.", says the guy. "Here there's $20 and after the monkey passes the cue-ball, I'll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?"

The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the cue-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few more...

There are only two things to worry about. Either you are sick or you are well. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you re sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you live or you die. If you live there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are two things to worry about. Either you go to heaven or you go to hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so busy greeting old friends you won't have time to worry!

One day, a boy called William fell sick. He called his teacher to inform him.

"William cannot go to school because he is sick," said William.

"Who's speaking?" asked the teacher.

"My uncle," said William.