Simple Jokes / Recent Jokes

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't. You are not Superman Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready + when you're not. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. There is more...

EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift
EMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping
EMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes Simpler
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and Surreal
EMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate Sales
EMACS: Each Manual's Audience is Completely Stupified
EMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy Screen
EMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer Storage
EMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the System
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations Survive
EMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court Stallman
EMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered Silly
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause Senility
EMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical Solutions
EMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial Sins
EMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered Superfluous
EMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of Software
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe more...

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?" Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It more...

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"He said, "I heard the nurse say,' It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'""She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?""She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say,' It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Alp:
One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.
Avalanche:
One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings:
Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers.
Bones:
There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however; the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.
Cross-Country Skiing:
Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. It's good exercise, doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.
Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through more...

Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the event.
Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in
San Francisco. For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's
Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).
These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:
Michael McShane
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent
them two hammers and a toilet seat.
I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
Sue Murphy
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
Fred Reiss
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
Great song.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
Jake Johansen
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was more...