Simply Jokes / Recent Jokes

Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
Sure, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?
Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is simply marriage bait.
Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut.
We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fianc

Below are genuine announcements made by Tube Drivers on the London Underground. (The Tube is the London underground system).At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like Sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.""Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels.""Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not more...

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. more...

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth. You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self- adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

* more...

Guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

THE FIRST WORTHWHILE CHAIN LETTER
This chain letter was developed by virile men in order to make their sex
life even more fantastic. As opposed to normal chain letters, this one
costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 6 fellas
who are just as virile as you. Then anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put
her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it
to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at
the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.
Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0.5 miss worlds 2.5
models 463 wild nymphos 3,234 good-looking nymphos 20,198 who enjoy
multiple orgasms 40,198 bi-sexual women In total, that is 64,294 women who
are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag
you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not
to be one of those that come back to more...

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with
a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions
Carpet Fresh. 2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed.
Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim
an ecological exemption. 3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of
5 and leave it alone. 4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from
the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points
out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim,
"What? And spoil the mood?" 5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread
magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng
Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes
when you more...