Simpson Jokes / Recent Jokes

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the --decency to thank her. W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have --given us stomachs. David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class. more...

QUESTION: what did oj simpson say after he was found not guilty
"CAN I HAVE MY GLOVES BACK NOW?"

WARNING - may be offensive to Los Angelenos, Tiny Tim, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, OJ Simpson and women who marry serial killers on death row (sounds like a topic for a talk show...). Includes American politics.
In last weeks debate, Bob Dole accused Bill Clinton of not sticking to his platform. Well, at least he didn't fall off it...
At the end of the debate, Dole closed by inviting young people to check out his Web site. This could be the most tragic attempt at looking hip since William Shatner recorded "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds".
In the polls, both Dole and Clinton scored points as agents of change. Right. Each of them motivated millions of Americans to change the channel.
When the stock market hit a record high, Bill Clinton took full credit. When poverty fell to a new low, Clinton took full credit. When unmarried pregnancies declined, well... they dragged him off the stage just in time...
In a television ad featuring Elizabeth Dole, Mrs. Dole says her more...

Here's a lame one....What is Homer Simpson's favorite ice cream? Chocolate-chip cookie DOH!

QUESTION: WHAT DID OJ SIMPSON SAY AFTER HE WAS FOUND NOT GUILTY?
"CAN I HAVE MY GLOVES BACK NOW?"

According to Life & Style Magazine, romantic sparks are flying between comedian Dane Cook and his, "Employee of the Month" co-star Jessica Simpson. Cook would not confirm the rumor, however he does list, "Comics who've F-ed Jessica Simpson" as one of his MySpace groups.

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. I will not carve gods. I will not spank others. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I'm sick. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. Funny noises are not funny. I will not snap bras. I will not fake seizures. This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death. I will not prescribe medication. I will not bury the new kid. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an answer. Teacher is not a leper. I will not eat things for money. I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee. I will not call the principal "spud head". Goldfish don't bounce. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I more...