Slow Jokes / Recent Jokes
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those drivers." So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The' school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called more...
1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
5. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
6. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
10. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
12. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" more...
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreo's:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.
Put your answers down NOW, then check below:
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing:
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You more...
A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.
"Sir, we don't stop at Victoria."
"But I have to get off there!"
"Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."
"Will that work?"
"It's worth a try."
As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running in mid-air. "Run faster! Faster!" He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He's running at 30 MPH. He's made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement.
As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the more...
Ma and Pa are driving down the interstate and they get pulled over by a trooper. He walkes to the door and says "I pulled you over for driving to slow" Ma says WHAT DID HE SAY PA? He said were driving to slow ma. Let me see your liscence sir. What did he say pa? Ma he wants to see my drivers liscence! Pa gave it to him and the trooper says "hell I had a girlfriend from the same town your from, Worst head job I ever had" What did he say pa? Ma he says he THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!!!
1) Those insensitive Engineers!
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of
golfers.
ENGINEER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
PRIEST: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't
they?
GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our
club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence)
PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything
he can do for them.
ENGINEER: Why can't these guys play at night?
2) Experience Counts!
There was an engineer who had an more...
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You`re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It`ll be back.
AT & T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you`re paying too much for the AT & T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we`re not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer`s involvement in other computer`s affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The more...