Slow Jokes / Recent Jokes

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:1. A "Don't remind me again" button.2. Minimize button.3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system more...

A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.
Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open.
"Where are the tortoises?" he asked.
"I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the door and whooooosh, they were gone!"

The Net is SlowOh, the network outside is frightful, But on campus, it's so delightful, Our packets have nowhere to go, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.It doesn't show signs of stopping, All our packets, our hosts are dropping;Bandwidth is turned way down low, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.When we finally connect to a site, It's time to go back to the dorm;But if I could stay here all night, I could submit their Web form.The network is slowly dying, And, I fear, we're still denying, But as long as Sprint is the way to go, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

A young fellow by the name of Sammy liked to hang out at Mom and Pop's Grocery Store. Pop didn't know what Sammy's problem was, but the other boys would tease him all the
time, calling him Slow Sammy, and punching him on the shoulder as they passed. To mock him for being slow, they would offer him a dime and a nickel, telling him he could
have just one. They said he always took the nickel because it was bigger.One day after Sammy took the nickel, Pop pulled him to one side and said, "Son, don't you know they're making fun of you? They think you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you really grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?""No," Sammy said, "but if I took the dime they'd quit doing it!"

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" mean the same thing as "slim chance"?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark" when it is really "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" more...

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign."May I see your driver's license and registration please.?"What's the problem, officer?""You just ran that stop sign back there.""Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me.""Nevertheless, sir, you are required to come to complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.""You gotta be kidding me.""It's no joke, sir.""Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.""That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now, if I may see your license and...""You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the donut shops closed?""Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately.""I will, if you can tell me the difference more...

A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as Banta in a car slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.
The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached Banta.
"Sir, can I please see your license and rgistration."
Banta replies, "Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer."
The officer explain, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back."
"Let me guess," said Banta, "all the wine shops are closed today!"
"Sir, I'm going to overlook that last comment. Now, if you would please show me your license and registration."
Banta counters, "Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
"Sir, step out of the car."
As Banta reluctantly gets out of his car, the officer begins beating him over the head with his nightstick and exclaims, "Now, sir, would you more...