Slow Jokes / Recent Jokes

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't. You are not Superman Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready + when you're not. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. There is more...

You Know You're Getting Old When...
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper....
Your back goes out more than you do...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along....
When "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot....
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to go to the bathroom till morning....
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room....
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefooted....
When going bra-less pulls the wrinkles out of your face....
You start singing along with the elevator music...
An old lady offers you her seat on the bus...
You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style....... more...

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers.The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.""Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at more...

The Net is SlowOh, the network outside is frightful, But on campus, it's so delightful, Our packets have nowhere to go, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow. It doesn't show signs of stopping, All our packets, our hosts are dropping; Bandwidth is turned way down low, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow. When we finally connect to a site, It's time to go back to the dorm; But if I could stay here all night, I could submit their Web form. The network is slowly dying, And, I fear, we're still denying, But as long as Sprint is the way to go, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

Teacher: Billy why are you late?
Billy: Because the sign said "Children Slow"

Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer's day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun's setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.

The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says: "Sisters, I've been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It's been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell' LeRoy!!' your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it's time we rename our husbands to end the confusion."

Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the hold rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says, "I think I'll name my husband' Seven-UP'".

"Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband' Seven-UP'?" queries one of the old gals.

"Why, he's got seven inches and it's always up!" more...

1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. 2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. 3) I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it. 4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. 5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. 6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 7) I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way. 8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. 9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. 10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision. 11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. 12) I was on my way to more...