Software Jokes / Recent Jokes
You make $180, 000 a year, yet still can’t find an affordable place to live. Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles away from work. Stop asking how much things cost but, ask “How long will it lasts? ” Two-thirds of the people you know are from Boston or New York, but you are living in PST. Know vast differences between Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Cantonese, Filipino, and Korean food. Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that is not on the consumer market yet. Go to “The City” on weekends but don’t live there because you like your car. Lost your alarm clock. You’ll get to work when you get there. Go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a fight over what flavor of UNIX is better. Own more than 10 articles of clothing that have hardware/software companies printed on them. Bonus for embroidered stuff. You know 280 North runs west, and 680 N runs East. Even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in the Bay more...
Real software engineers eat quiche. Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused. Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don't have to. Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though. If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't program in it. Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought. Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that more...
Goebel`s Second Law Of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn`t worth doing.
Goebel`s Law Of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.
Goebel`s Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine.
Goebel`s Theorem Of Software Schedules: Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you think you`re going in a straight line but always end up going full circle.
Goebel`s Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don`t have a chance of seeing it before that time.
Goebel`s Observation On Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace, they would immediately begin fighting over more...
March 1 Wall Street Journal
Reprinted without permission
Edited for content
BEFUDDLED PC USERS FLOOD HELP LINES, AND NO QUESTION SEEMS TO BE TOO BASIC
AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operations.
Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer more...
Y2K Solution:' Millenium Year Application Software System' (MYASS)
We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as:' Millenium Year Application Software System' (MYASS). Next Monday at 9:00 am there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it.
Just this morning, I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.
I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. more...
EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift
EMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping
EMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes Simpler
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and Surreal
EMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate Sales
EMACS: Each Manual's Audience is Completely Stupified
EMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy Screen
EMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer Storage
EMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the System
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations Survive
EMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court Stallman
EMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered Silly
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause Senility
EMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical Solutions
EMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial Sins
EMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered Superfluous
EMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of Software
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe more...
It seems that historical religious leaders (between moments of dispensing wisdom) had also learned software programming.
One day, a great contest was held to test their skills.
After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed.
The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.
The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out.
After a moment it came back on - just in time for the clock to indicate that the last competition was over.
The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd more...