Soil Jokes

One summer, on a Friday afternoon, a young man was being trained by his supervisor on his first day as a salesperson at a large department store. His supervisor was trying to show him the amount of things he could sell to customers by making them feel they needed the items. "Watch this," he said and approached a man who has just entered the store. "May I help you, sir?"
The man replied, "I just moved into my first house and I need some fertiliser for my lawn."
So the supervisor said, "Well, we have five- and ten-pound bags of fertiliser. I recommend you go with the ten pound bag."
"Why is that?"
"The ten-pound bag will get you through most of the summer, but the five-pound bag won't," the supervisor answered.
"Fine," the man agreed, "I'll take the ten-pounder." "Very good sir. And would you like the stiff rake or the spring-rake with that?"
"Rake? What do I need that more...

Had they spoken Computer lingo, this would be what the Sri Lankan political leaders might be saying:
Chandrika Kumaratunge: Why should I be the one who gets all the blaming whenever the computer goes down? UNP had misused it for 17 years and when given to me, it was in a real bad shape. See what I have done to improve its performance within just four years. Haven't I fixed a brand new screen filter? Haven't I given it a brand new mouse pad?
Ranil Wickremasinghe: She promised a Pentium and gave you a damn 286; She promised a 56k modem and gave only an outdated 14. 4k one; She promised 64MB RAM and now tells you to be satisfied with 8MB. So why don't you vote for me? I'll give everyone of you a brand new Pentium III with grand multimedia kits.
Anura Bandaranaike: That blue computer sucks. It has no processing power at all. The only working part it has is its' MOTHER BOARD'.
Wimal Weerawansa(JVP): As a party, JVP vehemently opposes violence. We do not even allow our more...

1. Why was the soil so good in school?
It knows its ABCs.
2. Where was the plant leaf imprisoned?
In the pennate-enturary.
3. Who won in the plant politics race?
The Accumbent.
4. Who told the story of the plant soil's life?
The N-Aerator.
5. How does a Japanese botanist bid farewell?
Cyan-ara.
6. How to botanists tell computers what to do?
With apogamy language (a programing language).
7. The close fitting leaf was being appressed.
8. Where do monkey flowers live?
On the Ape-planate.
9. Which tree did the Japanese bomb on December 7 1942?
The Pearl Arbor.
10. Why was there no food around the tree?
Becasue the Arbor-eat-em.

1. How do leaf clusters start a duel?
They stand Bract to Bract.
2. What is the favorite beverage of a botanist?
Bud-wiser.
3. Which hooded flower married Marc Anthoney?
Calyptera patra.
4. After typing too much what did the botanist develop?
Carpel- tunnel syndrome.
5. What do you call an arch that is as wide as it is tall made out of soil?
A Cantena-ry.
6. How do botanists and soil scientists listen to satelights?
With Catenas.
7. How did the botanist, after dealing with fertilizer, clean her hands?
She had a manure-cure.
8. The happy botanist was looking very chipper.
9. Ah go fly a chitin.
10. Wacky definitions: bostryx
A city North of New yorkx.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. He put four worms into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of semen.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results.
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in semen - dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
The minister asked the congregation - "What can we learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said;
As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you wont have worms.