Something Jokes / Recent Jokes

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Why Men Always Have Opinions, Even On Subjects They Know Nothing About In the animal kingdom, males
exhibit what is known as "display behavior" in order to attract females and to ward off rival males.
They thrust out their chests, ruffle their plummage, and generally try to appear more impressive than
they really are. On nature shows, this is comic. It appears comic, too, when it shows up among
humans: the guy in the Camaro with all the gold chains, say, or Vanilla Ice's haircut. It has been
discovered that display behavior is much more common among humans than had been previously believed.
Have you ever wondered why:
Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the Japanese?
Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing with the national debt?
Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace in the Middle
East?
Men who flunked high-school more...

An avid golfer has been dating a lady who works at a house of ill repute (he doesn't know that). They get pretty serious and the golfer wants to propose. "Ginger, darling." he says. "I want to marry you. But I must confess something about myself. I am an avid golfer and golf all the time." Ginger smiles, for she is in love with the man as well. "That's okay. I don't mind. But I think I should tell you something about myself. I'm a hooker." "Oh, I'm sure if I take you out on the course I'll help your problem."

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says, "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

* ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
* BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women go to curl up and dye.
* CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
* CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
* COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
* DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
* EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
* GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
* HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
* INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
* MYTH: A female moth.
* MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
* RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
* SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time
* TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
* TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
* YAWN: An honest opinion more...

These three scientists decided to go fishing one day. So they packed up all of their gear and headed down to the lake. They were having terrible luck, they weren't catching a thing. But all the sudden, one of the scientists feels a pull at his line. He shouts out, "I got something, I got something!"So he reels his catch in and much to his surprise, it's a Mermaid. She tells the scientists, "If you let me go, I will grant you each one wish." Well they think that's a pretty good deal, so they agree. The first scientist, the one who caught the Mermaid, tells her, "I want you to double my IQ." The Mermaid says, no problem. Snaps her fingers, and suddenly he's solving all of these problems they had been working on for months. So the next scientist thinks that's pretty neat, so he tells the Mermaid, "I want you to tripple my IQ." So the Mermaid says, "No problem." snaps her fingers once again, and now this scientist is finding cures for AIDS more...

Are you feeling old? If not, consider this:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.
They have no memory of a time before M-TV.
"New Wave" is their PARENTS musical generation.
Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, the Sex Pistols - are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard of it at all.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a losing Congressional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure survey history text's reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or Teapot Dome.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
Their world has always included AIDS.
Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the more...