Sometimes Jokes / Recent Jokes
If operating systems were beer
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you more...
HUSBAND 1.0 There are alot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0
to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the
implications of this change...
For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled
to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal
and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system
administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and
demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of
interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes
without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband
1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to
be running processes which you have not authorised. If this happens
alot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and
severely limit demand for extra bytes.
Every evening there will more...
1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
3. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
4. A penny saved is a government oversight.
5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. He who hesitates is probably right.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
9. The purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom more...
Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer's day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun's setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.
The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says: "Sisters, I've been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It's been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell' LeRoy!!' your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it's time we rename our husbands to end the confusion."
Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the hold rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says, "I think I'll name my husband' Seven-UP'".
"Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband' Seven-UP'?" queries one of the old gals.
"Why, he's got seven inches and it's always up!" more...
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down; or preferably, put it back up when finished.
3. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = Sports.
5. Anything you wear is fine, really.
6. Women wearing Wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
7. You have too many shoes & plenty of clothes.
8. Crying is not the answer. Crying is blackmail.
9. We're not mind-readers. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Mark anniversaries & birthdays on a calendar.
11. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult that peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
12. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a more...
Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that thankfulness is indeed a virtue. William J. Bennett
Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer's day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun's setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.
The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says: "Sisters, I've been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It's been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell 'LeRoy!!' your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it's time we rename our husbands to end the confusion."
Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the hold rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says, "I think I'll name my husband 'Seven-UP'".
"Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband 'Seven-UP'?" queries one of the old gals.
"Why, he's got seven inches and it's always up!" replies the first lady.
The more...