Song Jokes / Recent Jokes

AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync. HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE Holy Smoke! JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own. PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. USHERS The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus more...

Sung to the Oscar Mayer's song: His baloney has a first name, It's "I did not inhale."His baloney has a second name:"I wasn't getting tail."He loves to sling it every day, The White House people all just say, That Billy Clinton has a wayOf making bullshit sound OK!

Sung to the Oscar Mayer™ song:
His baloney has a first name,
It's "I did not inhale."
His baloney has a second name:
"I wasn't getting tail."
He loves to sling it every day,
The White House people all just say,
That Billy Clinton has a way
Of making bullshit sound OK!

Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
A: A new age song.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover?
A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.

Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.

Sung to the tune of "Day-O" (The Banana Boat Song)
Day-O...oh Day-O,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Run Mr Taliban, we know where you're hiding,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Hey USA, USA, USA...
Air force come and they flatten you home
60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Old Uncle Sam's pissed, he ain't no quitter,
Air force come and they flatten your home
When we finish you all be crying,
Air force come and they flatten your home,
Pilot is brother of New York fireman
Air force come and they flatten your home

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. 4. Sex has no calories. 5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12. Virginity can be cured. 13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones more...