Sorry Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something." The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead". The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else." So, the vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a Labrador retriever. The dog jumps up on the table and sniffs the other dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. The vet says, "I'm very sorry lady, your dog is dead. "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else... PLEASE" the lady cries. So the vet goes into another room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just more...

A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the bed on the floor. He doesn't believe his dog is dead, so he takes him to the vet, and the vet says, ''I'm sorry, but your dog is dead.'' The man doesn't believe him and says, ''I want a second opinion.''
The doctor goes into the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog and bites it and says to the vet, ''Meeoowrr.'' The vet says again, ''I'm sorry, sir, your dog is dead.''
The man says, ''No, I want another opinion.''
So the doctor brings out a Laborador Retriever and he jumps all over the dead dog and tugs at it and barks at it and says to the vet, ''Rrrrr.'' The vet says, ''I'm sorry, sir, but your dog is dead. that will be 500 dollars.''
''$500 to tell me my dog is dead?'' asks the man.
''Well,'' the vet replies, ''I'm 100 dollars, the cat scan was 300 and the lab test was 200 dollars.''

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the more...

' Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.'

'Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.'

'Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.'

'Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.' (Gravestone Inscription)

'On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.'

'Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?'

'Trust in God, but lock your car.'

'Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's.'

'If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate.'

'To err is human. And stupid.'

'A king's castle is his home.'

'Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.'

'Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too more...

A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called "The Matador".
As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.
The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meat balls. When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires. "That is the Matador Special" replies the waiter. "Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bull fight. It is exquisite!"
"That's what I'll have!", says the businessman.
"I'm very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day".
Disappointed, the man orders another dish and plans to try again the next day.
So again, the next day he goes to the bull fights, and afterwards stops into the dive. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the "Matador Special" to another customer who was more...

Top Ten Most Commonly Used Nursing Phrases
10. "No, really, I don't mind changing the TV channel for you. again."

9. "I'm sorry, it's not THAT kind of Tylenol."
8. "You won't feel a thing."
7. "Because your doctor said so."
6. "This won't hurt a bit."
5. "I swear, if that patient rings the call bell one more time."
4. "No, I will NOT give you a sponge bath (to patients perfectly able to do for themselves)!"
3. "Your gonna feel a little stick."
2. "How can I help you?" (no less than a MILLION times a shift!)
1. "Doctor, I'm sorry to wake you, but." (this one is okay by us)