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Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the more...

One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother,
and announced that she had learned where babies come from at
school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie?
Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy
take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of
stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it
sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye,
and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where
babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who is used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.
What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.
Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can more...

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a more...

I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasn't really the greatest sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her to a McDonald's.
To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely... well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me... well, really, I wasn't so much fondling per se, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her while we were both in line.
Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?
Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it was really the back of the chair she sat down in. Although, the chair was on the other side the room you see. And I was sort of leaning my own chair on the opposite wall. We were connecting more...

I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever.
Actually, it wasn't really the *greatest* sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.
To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very close.
You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely... well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me... well, really, I wasn't actually *fondling* her, our bodies just got very close together.
To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her. Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?
Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in. Although, the chair was...on the other side of a wall you see... in another room sort of.
And I was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair was more...