Soviet Jokes / Recent Jokes
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8: One of the passengers in a Soviet spacecraft is fooling around with the equipment, and his monkeyshines may end the flight prematurely. The passenger is in fact a monkey named Yarosha -- Russian slang for village troublemaker. Evidently bored on the fifth day of a scheduled 12-day flight, Yarosha slipped out of his harness and took a tour of the spacecraft. Tass, the Soviet news agency, reported that Yarosha was having a delightful time tampering with all of the equipment within reach. Watch out, Yarosha; if you break something, they'll probably dock your flight pay.
A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor.""There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?""No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says."But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?""Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
(copied from "What's New," newsletter written by Robert L. Park
of the American Physical Society and posted in sci.physics)
2. SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE. In a
recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government
has offered to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia
into an international space research facility in response to US
complaints that the radar would violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev
suggested that the US reciprocate by turning the unfinished US
embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction center. The
communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
A nurse at the kindergarten tells children, "In the Soviet Union, the workers have everything they want; everything belongs to them. Their children have plenty of food and toys." Little Vahechka burst into tears, "I want to go to the Soviet Union."
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA! Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks? A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms! Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants? A: They've had little use.
Stalin is dying, and summons Comrade Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his
last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "Comrade, the reins
of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you
some advice."
"Yes, yes, Great Leader, what is it?" says Khruschev.
Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produces two envelopes marked 1 and 2.
"Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely-don't open
them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things start going badly, open
the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, even after
that, if things start going REALLY badly, open the second one." And with a
gasp Stalin breathed his last.
Well, Khruschev succeeded him, and sure enough, within a few years things
started going badly-unemployment increased, crops failed, people became
restless. Nikita decided it was time to open the first letter. All more...
Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Um, I mean... Um, no "diplomats" are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.