Speaker Jokes / Recent Jokes

I heard this one today from Steinar Hoistad, Director of European
Operations UNIX International, at the UI Road show.
A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan.
Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that
his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes
and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he
said. Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese
gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success!
People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not
understand one bit of what was said. Still he started to applaud, as
the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.
However, he was interrupted by the chairman of the conference:
"No no, sir. You must not applaud!"
Dumbfounded he protested:
"But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."
"No sir, you must not more...

The yiddish speaker.
Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Golders Green.
She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Sadie then says, "Vot Time is It?"

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and he was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualising his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee please go back up to the men's tee."

He was still deep into his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly go back up to the men's tee."

He simply ignored the voice and kept concentrating.

Once more the speaker blared, "Would the man on the woman's tee go back up to the men's tee, please!"

He finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the hell up and let me play my second shot?"

It`s Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House.

Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings.

[President Bill]
Hello! Hello!

[Voice on the line]
President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States!

[President Bill]
Oh no!!!
He said he wouldn`t do that!
That dirty, rotten jerk!

Bill slams the phone down. He goes the receiver back in the red telephone`s cradle.

President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk, whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid, and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes. A voice comes over the briefcase speaker.

[Voice on the line]
Mr. President, is this a drill?

[President Bill]
Listen to me.
We`re being attacked by the Russians.
Launch a full-scale response more...

A women`s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?"
She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?"
From the back of the room came a voice, "He`d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."

The Society of the Paranormal was having a convention in town and there were many attendees. The president of the society was at the podium delivering the opening address to all who were there in body and in spirit, and he asked the question:
"Who of you have had the occasion to see a ghost?". There was a showing of perhaps forty hands, to which the speaker asked,
"Who of you have had the occasion to speak with a ghost?". Once again the conventioneers raised hands, counting thirty or so.
Then the question, "Who of you have had the occaison to have actually touched a ghost?", to which about ten hands were waved about. The speaker paused for a moment, and then delivered another query,
"Who of you have had the occasion to have sex with a ghost?", and in the far back of the auditorium a lone hand was raised.
"Would the usher please escort that individual with his hand raised to the stage? I simply must inquire more...

WOMEN'S RIGHTSThe following took place at an international conference for women's rights. The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered). The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered). The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," more...