Specimen Jokes / Recent Jokes
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET Workplace Hazardous Materials InformationSystem ----------------------------------------------------------------------Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Largequantities found in urban areas and shopping malls. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: --------------------1. Surface Tension--soft and warm. 2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced. 3. Boils at nothing. 4. Freezes without reason. 5. Melts with special reason. 6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly. 7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to commonore. 8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points. 9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age. 10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance toreproduce with marked physical and mental changes. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: --------------------1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones. 2. Absorbs great more...
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year. ”
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month! ”
The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year. ”
Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?! ”
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year! ”
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?! ”
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, “Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer more...
A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple days with a specimen.
When she got home she asks her husband," What is a specimen?"
He replies," Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse".
The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go shit in her hat and then all hell broke loose.
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
---------------------------
Element: Women
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53. 6 kg, but known to vary between 40 &
200 kg
Occurences: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious
stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no know
reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly when
saturated in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to more...
Banta had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was extremely annoying and he couldn't take much more.
One day during breakfast, he took his apple juice container and poured it into a urine specimen cup the nurse had insisted he fill.
The nurse came in to check on him and looked at the specimen glass.
In her annoying voice, she snickered, "It seems we are a little cloudy today."
Banta put on his angry face, snatched the bottle out of her hand and drank it down in a few quick gulps, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again and maybe it will come out clearer this time."
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, "Sure, once more...
This old mountain woman was going to see a real docter for the first time in her life. After the exam, the doctor tells her to go home and come back in two days with a specimen. When she gets home she ask's her husband what a specimen is. He say's hell i don't know, go up the holler and ask ole lady wheeler, she knows somebody who went to a real doctor one time. The wife heads up the holler, then a few hours later comes back with a black eye, busted lip, and using a stick for a cane. The husband said, what happened to you? She said well i stepped up on ole lady wheelers porch and asked her what a specimen was, she told me to go piss in a jar, so i told her to go fart in a jug, and all hell broke loose!