Specimen Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Workplace Hazardous materials Information System
Substance: Women
Chemical system: Wow
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs; specimens can vary from 90 to 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface Tension - Soft and warm
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavour initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive more...

Chemical Analysis of' Woman'
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53. 6Kg but may vary from 49Kg to 200Kg
Occurence: Copious quanitities in all urban areas
Physical Properties:
- Surface usually covered with painted film
- Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
- Melts if given special treatment
- Bitter if incorrectly used
- Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore
- Yields to pressure applied to correct points
Chemical Properties:
- Has great affinity for gold, silver
- Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
- may explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
- Activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol
- Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
Common Uses:
- Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
- Can be a great aid in relaxation
- Very effective cleaning more...

This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests.
"Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test," the doctor said.
The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, "Are you alright?"
"No" the old man said. "This just isn't going to work." he dejectedly explained. "There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it. I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink.
But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!"

Element
Woman
Symbol
Wo
Discoverer
Adam
Quantitative Analysis
Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have
been identified.
Occurance
Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet
state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
Physical Properties
Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at
a moments notice totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter
if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common
ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape
the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well
that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye.
Chemical Properties
Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially in crystalline form. May give
violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb more...

CHEMICAL ANALYSIS


> > Element: Woman
> > Symbol: Wo
> > Discoverer: Adam
> >
> > Quantitative analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging
from

> > 25-10-20 through 60-55-60 have been identified.
> >
> > Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
> > energetic single state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
> >
> > Physical properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at
> > absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally
> > unpredicatble. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well
used.
> > Found in many states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
> > Non-magnetic, but attracted coins and sports cars. In its natural
state > > the specimen varies considerably, but is often changed
artificially so > > well that the change is indiscernable except to the
experienced eye.
> >
> > more...

This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests."Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test," the doctor said.The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, "Are you alright?""No" the old man said. "This just isn't going to work." he dejectedly explained. "There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it. I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink.But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!"