Spell Jokes / Recent Jokes

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKERby Jerrold H ZarI have a spelling checker.It came with my PC.It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot sea. Eye ran this poem threw it, Your sure reel glad two no.Its vary polished in it's weigh. My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a bless sing. It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays come posed up on my screen Eye trussed too be a joule. The checker pours o'er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Bee fore a veiling checker's Hour spelling mite decline, And if we're lacks oar have a laps, We wood bee maid to wine. Butt now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, Their are know fault's with in my cite, Of nun eye am a wear. Now spelling does knot phase me, it does knot bring a tier. My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped word's fare as hear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should bee proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaw's are more...

How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling more...

An elderly man dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates Saint Peter welcomes him but states that the man must know how to spell the secret password to get in.
The old man replies, "You mean I don't have to know it, I just have to spell it?"
Saint Peter says, "Yes, that is correct, all you have to do is spell 'LOVE.'"
The old mans spells out L-O-V-E with excitement. Saint Peter opens the gate and says, "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter asks the old man if he could guard the gate for a few minutes while he goes to see God.
The old man does so and while he is waiting, his wife suddenly appears in a flash. He asked her what she was doing there.
She tells him that on the way home from the funeral, she had a bad accident and died then asks him to open the gate and let her in.
He tells her that she must spell the secret password first in order to get in.
She says "Okay, what is the word?"
He replies, more...

It's getting close to going home time at the infants school. Teacher is chatting to the kids.
Teacher: Johnny, what did you do today?
Johnny: I played in the sand pit, miss.
Teacher: That's very good. I'll let you go a bit early, if you can spell 'pit'.
Johnny: P-I-T, miss.
Teacher: Very good, off you go. Mary, what did you do today?
Mary: I played in the sand with Johnny, miss.
Teacher: I'll let you go if you can spell 'sand'.
Mary: S-A-N-D, miss.
Teacher: Well done, off you go. What about you Leroy?
Leroy: Johnny and Mary wouldn't let me play in the sand pit, miss. I think it's blatent racial discrimination.
Teacher: Well, if you can spell 'racial discrimination...'

How do you spell wrong? R? o? n? g. Thats wrong. Thats what you asked for, isnt it?

Owed Two A Spell Chequer: Eye halve a spelling chequerIt came with my pea seaIt plainly marques four my revueMiss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a wordAnd weight four it two sayWeather eye am wrong oar writeIt shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maidIt nose bee fore two longAnd eye can put the error riteIts rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw itI am shore your pleased two noIts letter perfect awl the weighMy chequer tolled me sew.

Sooo...
How do "I" spell relief?
F-i-n-e-t-u-n-i-n-g t-h-e r-i-f-r-a-f (S-P) c-r-a-p
o-u-t.
Ahhhhh...
Relief @ long last.