Spend Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only 20 dollars to spend. The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only 20 dollars. "But, there is a possibility!" he said. And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said, "You can have this myna bird for 20 dollars, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary." The lady was ecstatic. She paid the 20 dollars, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like. After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his more...

A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, “How did you get such a huge orange head? ” The guy says, “Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, ’ I’ll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire… what is your first wish? ’ I said, ’ I’d like all the money I could ever spend. ’ The genie went Poof!, and there it was, all the money I could ever spend.
Then he said, ’ what is your second wish? ’ I said, ’ I’d like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with. ’ The genie went Poof!, and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. “Then the genie said, ’and what is your third wish? ’… and I think this is where I went wrong… I said, I’d like a huge orange head. ”

I'M GLAD I'M A MANI'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, And when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early, And when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too. I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a more...

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...you spend most more...

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
194. Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing your face and hands, etc.

Prison life versus a full-time job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.

At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.

At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.

At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to more...

The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1...What are you thinking about?
2...Do you love me?
3...Do I look fat?
4...Do you think she is prettier than me?
5...What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).
As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a...Baseball. b...Football. c...How fat you are. d...How much prettier she is than you. e...How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps more...