Spit Jokes / Recent Jokes
If your child thinks he wants 'Murderous Bob, the Doll with
the Face you can Rip Right Off,' you'd better get it. You may
be worried that it might help to encourage your child's
antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen anti-
social tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced
that he or she did not get the right gift. -Dave Barry
Sometimes people ask me: 'Dave, what is the essence of
parenthood?' I always answer: 'Lowering your standards.' -Dave Barry
It goes without saying that you should never have more
children than you have car windows. -Erma Bombeck
One of my more effective parental strategies is to make Lists of Rules to be Obeyed And I Really Mean it This Time, and post these articles on the refrigerator in the kitchen so my children will have a written record of what they are ignoring. -W. Bruce Cameron
A father is a man who expects his children to be as good as he meant to be.
-Carolyn more...
An alien walked into a bar and sits down and ordered a drink. Once he is done, he ran down the counter and spit in this guy's face. He then went back and ordered another drink.
Again, once he finished his drink, he ran back down and spit in the guy's face. The guy said, "Hey! If you do that again, I'll pull down your pants and rip your nuts off!"
The alien went back get a third drink, drank half of the glass, ran to the end of the counter and again spit in the guy's face. The guy stood up and yelled, "That's it, you little twerp!" He pulled down the alien's pants, stared for a second and said, "If you don't have a penis or nuts, how in the world do you go to the bathroom?"
The alien took one last drink from the glass and spit in the guy's face.
There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting.
He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive"... then spit.
A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit."
"Well," says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So, I say sure, why not? He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster, and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, more...
One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: "I spit in my beer."When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer, too!"
There's a guy in a bar, it's late, and the guy and the bartender are the only ones left in the bar.
The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?"
The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me"
The guy then spits, and makes it in the glass, without getting any on the counter or the floor.
The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"
The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if he could do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would be give him $100?
The bartender agrees, and the guy spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else. Than the evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks glass all over the bar. He more...
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time.The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together.The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons.When the more...